It’s been a month since my foolish action.Aoi already accept the coat,from what I heard from Tahiko.I live my life normally.Go to the campus and do research,is what I usually do.I can’t listen to the gazette’s songs again.I will start cry again,so I can’t do it.Aiko didn’t ask much about it,and I don’t have intend to tell her too.I try to go on,but it’s so hard to do.I become accustome by his presence.My room was no longer fill with the scent of him.
But,in other way,it’s easy to forget him.Because I try to concentrate in my study.I attend class often,in spare time I study or doing research in library.My mind being filled with academic activites.Just one time,when I went home,the big screen at shibuya display the gazette’s concert.I straightly ran home,and cried again.
The school make me tired,but it’s better than tired cause by crying.
One day I attend the class with Riku.We finish the assignment sooner and she ask me to drink a coffee at cafetaria.
“The assignment was really hard,nee?I think I will get A- for that.”she said with a gloomy face.
I sip my cappuccino a bit and smile.”We still don’t know right?but,Tachibana-sensei is satisfied with our work.”
“You maybe right.”she said.We stay silent a bit.The weather is so cold today.Many students go to the cafetaria for a glass of coffee.
“I heard you got fight with Aoi-san.”she ask.There is a cautious tone in her voice,and she look at my face to check my expression.
I try to keep strong.”Where’d you hear that?”I ask.
“Uruha-san.”she said.
I almost spill my coffee.That will be so not nice if happen.I stare at her.
“We keep contact actually.He often called me or texting me.Last time he came to my house and deliver the dvd to me.That’s when he told me he want to have a relationship with me.”She answering my question.
“That’s..good.”I said
She smile and I can see her in happiness radiant come from her.That’s the aura of falling in love,I think.
“So,why you got fight with Aoi-san?”
“I didn’t.It’s not like we get into relationship or something.”I said calmly,hide my trembling voice.
“But,he love you,right?”
My heart is twitching.Aoi love me?impossible.
“It’s true.Uruha tell me yesterday.Aoi-san is upset since he met you for the last time.Even now,Aoi-san is still upset and sad.The others try to help,but Aoi-san didn’t want to open himself.”
I don’t know what to say.So,I keep silent.
“I don’t believe it either about uruha-san you know?I mean,I just a fan to him,yet,he kind to me.So,I tried not to betray his feelings for me.”
Betray?
“What betray?I don’t get it.It just a one-sided feeling right?he’s a star and I just an ordinary people?!It doesn’t make sense at all!”I don’t realize I increasing my voice.She look surprise now.I feel so awkward.
“I’m sorry.” I said with a low voice.”I better get going now,my class will be start soon.”
“He gave you affection right?”she ask me.
I look at her.She stand up and come closer.”He worrying you.He’s sad because of you.He didn’t do anything wrong.He just let out his feelings.is that wrong?”
“What if I don’t love…”
“But,you do!You accept those feelings and and made him hoping for you!”
I stare at the floor,my hands shaking.
“Tell me you don’t love him that much!I will not bother you again,if you say that.”she said again.
I slowly raise my head,she is true.that’s why it’s hurt.
“It’s too late for that Riku.I already forget him.”I said
She shake her head and hold my shoulder.”No,if you forget him,then you will not respond my words.You will not trembling or hold your cry.instead of that,you will ignorant and walking from here,happily.”she smile.”You just scared.”
Scare?Maybe,after what happen when I’m on highschool,I afraid.I afraid to respond to people’s feeling for me.I don’t want that to happen again.I don’t want being hurt again like that.
“If you want to meet him,I will go with you.”She said again.
I want to be brave.The last time I don’t have those courage,I bury it in my heart and let it rotten my heart too.I was wrong.i want to fixed it.But I was too late for that. “I want to meet him.”I said.
We skip classes and ride shinkansen.All the way to the office, I thinking how he will react.Maybe he will angry.But that’s okay.I just want to tell him something.
After five minutes,we get in the office,luckly,the members are all here now.Kai is the one who welcoming us.Even though I already made them difficult,they keep welcoming me.How nice.I think it’s okay if I get explode again.I will accept it,wholeheartly.
Aoi is smoking when we come.He’s losing so much weight.But,I don’t dare see in his eyes.Suddenly he stand up and go to the room.I know he will do this.I ignore his phone call,returning his coat,refuse to meet him.i ignore him completely.
Kai is reach him and talk to him in Japanese.Even I don’t understand the languange,but I know their debating.Aoi is raise his hands and slam the door and lock it.
“I’m sorry.He didn’t want to listen to me.”said Kai.
I smile.”I will talk to him.Even if he didn’t want to see me,it’s okay.Thank you for taking us here.That’s kind of you.”
I walk to the door and sit in the front of it.I don’t know if he know I’m here or listen to me.But any way,I will just talk to him.I pull out my camera and put it in the front of the door.I lean at the door,and take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.”I said “I act like a child and didn’t consider your feelings.i offense you,and if you angry,I accept it.”
No response.I continue again.
“When we went to the park,you asked me about the picture in my camera and I almost cry.That picture was taken when I want to confessed to my crush 2 years ago.”I said, “When the moment is perfect,suddenly,my best friend came and tell me that their dating.I was shocked that day,but I let him go without saying anything.I avoided him for the rest of the semester.And I left him without saying anything too.Since that day,I keep regretting what happen.I thought If I have a courage to say it sooner,things maybe change.”
My voice is more clear now.I take another deep breath.”It made me became someone who despise myself.Because I can’t reach his heart,I think no one will love me.I’m pathetic.I only can hoping.”
“That’s when you came into my life.You care about me despite I just an ordinary girl that doesn’t have any speciality.I don’t beautiful,but you smiling at me.I don’t kind,but you care for me.It really mean a lot to me.”
I start to cry.”But I’m scared.i scared that if I take you too seriously.That moment will happen again.I don’t know what to do if that happen to me again.So I run.I run without considering your feeling.I avoiding you and made you sad.”
This is the end,So I smile and make my voice better. “But now,I said it to you.I’m sorry..and I love you.Not because you’re the gazette’s guitarist.But because you care with me and consider my feeling.Whatever your decision,I respect it.Thank you.”
I rise up and bow to Kai,and I go home.
***
I turn on my laptop and check my email.The email from my friends is still there.I reply it,explaining my feelings when I have a crush on him,and hoping that he happy with his girlfriend.
I lay in my bed and see my hanger is empty.Used to be his coat there.But it’s empty now,I look at the ceiling.Cover my face,I cry again.
***
Suddenly,I hear a voice from outside.A guitar.I open my window and see him standing in there holding a guitar,Playing D.L.N for me.I cober my mouth and go downstairs.He come here!I can’t believe it.
He smiling at me,smile that I miss so much I don’t realize it.
“Why you’re here?I already returning the coat.”I said
“ I left something in here.”he said.
I come closer to him. “What?”I ask.
He didn’t answer and kiss my cheek and hug me.I put my face in his chest and I can smell his perfume again.I miss it so much,my tears start to flowing.i put my hands in his waist.He is so warm.I just want to enjoy this moment.
“I left my heart here.In you.”he whispering in my ear.
I smile,smile so happily.Now,I believe it.”Do you want to take it back?”I ask.
He kiss my crown of the head.I can feel his lips in my hair.
“Keep it.So I have a reason to come here.”
I giggling.”Ashita anata no kimochi ga hanarete mo,kitto kawarazu ai shiteru.”I said with my bad Japanese.
He stare at my eyes.” Dou ka boku dake wo mitsumeteite.”He caress my cheek and kiss my lips gently.
I hug him again.I can stand here forever with him.Even when he don’t with me all the time.He’s action is more that a word could describe.
He caress me again and kiss me again.
***
“So,you already made up with Aoi-san right?”Ask Riku.
I startle and blushing.”where’d you here that?”
“I following you.With Uruha and Leda-san.”
“Leda?”I ask
She smile.”Leda from Deluhi.”
No way.She’s with Leda from Deluhi.What a lucky girl.But I lucky too,I smile.
My phone is ringing,a text message.
“Where you go after here?Aiko want to meet on the cat café.Wanna come?”She said.
I smile,”Nope.have to go somewhere.”
“Aoi-san right?they will go to german tommorow.”
I nod “you didn’t go to uruha-san?”I ask.
She smile devilishly, “Last night.In his apartment.”she said.
What?!
“tee-hee.I better go now..Everyone waiting.Bye~”She said.
Can’t believe it.
***
We meet at the park we used to be.He sit in the bench with coffee in his usual position.When he turn around and see me,he rise up and hold my hand lead to me to the bench.We sit there.
“How long you will be in germany?”I ask.
He sip his coffee.”I don’t know.two weeks,maybe a month.”He look me “Are you worry?”
I lift my eyebrows “ I worry you will force yourself.”I said,put my hands in his cheeks.
He kiss my hand.”I will call you.I promise.”
“If you tired,please just rest.I believe in you.”I said.
He smile and lean his head in my shoulder.”Thank you.”
I put my head on his too.He hold my hand and kiss my cheek.”Ai shitte iru.”
We may be parting road for now,but I know he will come to me someday.I’m not worried or scared.I believe in him.
There’s couple that put the radio near us.it play “wakaremichi”.
He smile,and I kiss his forehead.
This is our happiness.
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